what if

what if
i realized that i had been in love with you
the way you were in love with me

what if
i realized that my first love had been sitting there
right next to me
first grade of junior high

what if
i knew that those pink envelopes
i passed along to the prettiest girl in class
would hold promises made
to me

what if
i had been spared
all those years of loneliness
and feelings of unwantedness
because i had a boyfriend
in you

what if
i had never left this city
because you were in it
and it was good enough
already

what if
i could not be
the person
i am today

and i thank the Lord
for those days
when i didn't realize
that i
might have loved you
as much
as you had loved me
and held me dearly
in your mind

inginnya sih....

inginnya sih...

menjadi:

plester untuk lukamu
kompres untuk kepalamu
kipas untuk hari-hari panasmu
syal untuk hari-hari musim gugurmu
jaket untuk hari-hari musim dinginmu
topi yang menutupi garis rambutmu yang selalu kaubilang tambah menipis itu
deodoran yang membuatmu selalu berbau lezat setiap saat
laptop yang menemani hari-hari belajarmu
speaker yang memainkan lagu-lagu aneh kesukaanmu
dan buku-buku sejarah itu....

bahu tempatmu bersandar
seperti kala kau membasahinya dengan air matamu
handuk yang mengeringkan keringatmu
seperti setelah kau sibuk mengejar-ejar barang kecil yang bernama 'puck' itu
telinga tempatmu berkeluh
seperti malam-malam yang kauhabiskan bercerita tentang lukamu
suara yang membuatmu tersenyum
kala kaudengar kata-kata yang mencoba membuatmu percaya
bahwa kau
istimewa

aku ingin

menjadi

sahabat sejatimu

tapi tentu saja,
bahasa ini,
bukan bahasamu,
dan kamu,
tidak akan pernah memahami,
bahwa semua ini,
lebih dari sekedar,
kata-kata.

yang tak terkatakan

aku menyayangimu
seperti pemain akrobat meniti tali tanpa jaring pengaman
penuh bahaya

aku menyayangimu
seperti masokis yang menyayat diri
pedih yang dinantikan

aku menyayangimu
seperti penari reog memakan beling
mistis yang mengebaskan

aku menyayangimu
seperti cenayang memanggil hantu
horor yang diharapkan

aku menyayangimu
seperti kisah cinta perokok dan paru-parunya
kematian perlahan

aku menyayangimu

meskipun selalu ingin kulupakan

namun aku
masih
menyayangimu

ray of light

hey, thanks for the long overdue e-mail
it brightened my day

hey, thanks for the long overdue e-mail
it gave me something to look forward to

hey, thanks for the long overdue e-mail
i guess i still find a friend in you

hey, thanks for the long overdue e-mail
see you the coming new year's eve

hey, thank you.
in case the message,
hasn't reached you properly.

11/10/2009

Kanggo kancaku sing lagi wae ngirimi aku e-mail :)

stalking

an arrow stuck in my heart
a chill went down my spine
pain washed up my being

realizing that you are no longer mine
and those eyes are not twinkling for me
no longer me you miss in the wee hours of night
it was not me you messaged good night

it was not me who tuck you good night
caressing your feverish head from far apart

and when you were lying there sick
it was not me you turned to

and i wonder why i need to see what is happening in your life
and wishing that i could be happy for you
as you are
moving on....

a chronicle of showers

he who likes it
cold in the mornings
warm in the evenings
and never too hot

he who likes it
super hot
followed directly by
super cold
in the mornings

he who likes it
buckets after buckets
of cold water
splashed down the back
and all over the bathroom walls

he who likes it
lukewarm
a delicate mixture of
freshly boiled water
with a dose of spring water

he who likes it
coming in plenty
a tub full of hot water
with incense sticks burning
by the side
in the evenings

to he who likes it
steaming hot
fogging all the mirrors
and glass doors
watching steams seeping out
under the door

a chronicle of showers...

and love
is apparent
through the smallest details

masih merindukanmu

sesayup lagu menjangkau telingaku
kala raga tak lagi bersama
dan senyum tak lagi bisa menyapa

aku masih merindukanmu

bila kututup mataku
selubungi jiwa dengan nada
serasa kau masih ada di sana

aku masih merindukanmu

ingin kusumbat telinga ini
tapi hati serasa pemutar piringan hitam
yang berputar
berputar
berputar
berputar

sampai tak terdengar lagi
nada sumbang
goresan waktu dan jarak

aku masih merindukanmu

seandainya kau tahu....

i must have loved you.... don't you think?

small jokes
smart-ass remarks
songs filtering through a jeans shop
snippets of conversations
smiles beneath the sun

can't get you out of my head
and neither from my heart

i must have loved you,
don't you think so?

siente el boom...

the change of rhythm
the familiar song filtered through the speakers
movements shifted

skin and sweat glistened under fading lights
my margarita empty a long while back

weary legs on a pair of heels
after a couple of hours of salsa and bachata

Thursday turned to Friday
at Cafe Habana
with Siente el Boom
of Tito El Bambino

missing it like crazy.

17/09/09

click....

that cross next to your name
on that tab

just clicked it

now

that window is no longer open

and i don't know anymore
whether you are there

or
not

not that it doesn't matter
it does

but i guess
it doesn't matter
that it does

09/09/09

lie to me...

people always say
that
honesty is the best thing

well, baby
sometimes I'd rather
have you lie to me

when you close that door
leave a bouquet of flowers by my window
but cut the thorns away

for when I caress it
I want to caress it with tears and bittersweet smile
not blood from my soul

empty those frames of you and I

but I'd rather not know
there are other snapshots in them
already

because you know what,
baby

sometimes I'd really rather have you
lie to me

the fact that you are leaving
is too much information already

05/09/2009

~ inspired by a circle of dramatic friends and circumstances ;p ~

wild horses.....

a heart
like a wild horse

tall
shining
beautiful

a heart
like a wild horse

vibrant
strong
spirited

a heart
like a wild horse

trotting
galloping
running with the wind

a heart
like a wild horse

rein it in

so that it takes you
on its strong and shiny back
to exotic faraway places

instead of dragging you along
on wild aimless rides

a heart
like a wild horse

just like mine

and yours.


04/09/2009

~ dedicated to a good friend, 'and boy, i hope you are enjoying the rides you choose to take with your horse, and hope you conquer it in time before it conquers you' ~

untukmu

memelukmu
meskipun hanya sesaat
cukup bagiku

saat memejam mata
tetap kulihat kau
dalam gelapnya kepalaku

kukepalkan tangan ini
masih kuraba kau
dalam kosongnya genggamanku

kuhela nafas dalam
selalu kucium aroma khas dirimu
dalam lengangnya lorong waktu

memelukmu
meskipun dalam ingatanku
cukup bagiku

28/08/09

gentleman in training

simple gestures
kindness
and grace

your flat palm
on the small of my back
when the monkeys
freaked me out

your questioning gaze
asking
‘do you need protection’
as those guys were giving me
stare downs

remembering
which side i liked to walk
and made space

switching over
to where
the traffic came from

offering a taste
of food
or unusual drinks

not offering
to carry my bag
nor lead me
up the steep stairs
until i asked you to

after all
you are

a gentleman in training

LOL
^ o ^


21/08/09

a thought for you, each day

each day,
i will write a line,
asking you,
how you are,
wishing you,
a very great day.

each day,
i will whisper a little prayer,
hoping that you are doing fine,
wishing for those sparkling eyes,
to stay twinkling.

each day,
i will tug you up at night,
with hugs and gentle lullabies,
carried over by the calm night breeze.

each day,
i will tell the universe my secret mission,
thinking that you would understand.

how much i really care about you

even without you knowing it

14/08/2009

in a dream

magically transported back
to that tiny space
of you and i

blabbering words of apology

that dismissive glance
over your left shoulder

and

‘you’re the best thing that happened to me in this ****’

me flabbergasted
jolted back to the waking world

14/08/09

Love story at the Angkor

Never before I felt such tranquility,
In the midst of such unfamiliar terrain,
Encountering unfamiliar feelings.

A sense of awe,
And peacefulness,
In the midst of all the newness of the situation.

For once in my life,
I jumped on a plane,
Leaving a mountain of responsibilities and self doubt,
And embarked on a crazy, spontaneous journey.

Looking back and having no regret,
Feeling the waves of love taking over me.

Wanting to shut my eyes tight,
Losing myself…
But I opened them wide instead,
And felt the love,
Indulging myself.

For it was a time,
For me, my camera, and the sun,
Beneath the shadows of the Angkor temples.

Summer 2009

PS: for two of my most amazing best friends, thank you for making this experience possible.

Bangkok is a lousy place to be alone

Bangkok is a lousy place to be alone…
I guess I told you that already.

The noise of traffic,
The rich colors of fabrics and people,
The fragrance of pad thai, pineapple, fried grasshoppers, and incense,
Engulfing me,
Like a shroud around my being.

The lighted signs of cafes and restaurants,
The shoulders rubbing my shoulders,
The glances cast at my direction,
The thoughts swirling in my head,
The voice inside my heart calling out your name.

In the midst of the humdrum of Khao San road,
I have never felt so alone.

Bangkok is a lousy place to be alone,
And though you’re with me,
I am missing you already.

Summer 2009

perching up high...

looking out of the window
from the fifth floor of the building without elevator

I caught a whiff of the now familiar aroma of this city

diesel fume of the perpetually honking taxis
gasoline fume of the zooming Land Cruisers
fragrant aroma of the various kebab corners….
and the familiar throat choking dust carried by the desert wind
whistling through the windows of my classroom

and I cannot be grateful enough
for the fact that the wind was blowing the ‘right’ way
instead of filling my mouth with the taste of the light brown city dust

Oh how sometimes I wish I had brought my pashmina along…



Yemen College of Middle Eastern Studies & Yemen Language Center

Sana’a, June 21, 2009

can't dance without you...

So many steps taken,
Many arms held,
Music turned up,
Rhythm counted,
But in my heart…
You will always be….

No salsa will feel the same without you, Steve,
For all the months we trained together,
All the rhythm miscalculated,
All the steps miscounted,
All the trials and errors made,
All the fun we shared.

No lead will match up to you, Julio,
For all the graceful moves,
The gentle but defined leads,
The unmistaken guide through impossible moves.

No bachata will feel the same without you, Matt,
The other side of you I’ve seen through the songs,
And the moves,
And the leads,
How it made you a completely different lead than in salsa,
How gentle you could be,
And how an amazing bachata you made.

No learning on the spot will be the same without you, Nat,
And how we learnt to bachata right there on the dance floor,
And having fun was much more than just looking cool,
And making the right moves.

And there will be no moment that I hear reggaeton when I don’t miss you, Tyler,
For finally…
In my crazy little world,
Somebody actually jumped at the chance to share a reggaeton with me,
And it had been purely fun and energizing.

And for all you,
A million of thank you’s and love,
For making such a magical journey
Through music and dance.

And forever you will be,
In my heart,
Whenever I dance to our songs.

just one soul

If dancing can change the world,
I would wear out a million pairs of shoes.
If crying could wash out all the hatred,
I would cry my heart out.
If singing could pacify the restless mankind,
I would hum lovely lullabies.

I wish I could bring you lovely melodies,
I wish I could dance away your pain for you,
I wish I could tuck you in at night with soothing lullabies,
I wish I could wipe away your tears,
And fears.

I wish I could change the world.

If smiling could bring another smile on the way,
I would smile forever.

And that is exactly what I intend to do.

If I could touch one soul,
Just one soul,
The way you touched mine,
With that beautiful smile,
I would smile….
And smile….
And smile…
And smile….

For I cannot change the world,
But I can smile,
And wish that the smile makes a difference,
Even if it is for one soul,
Only for one soul.

Yours.


Salatiga, May 18, 2009

....panjenengan....

Ing weninging ati,
Sepining wengi,
Aku kelingan sliramu,
Sing wis suwe takantu-antu.

Keprungu swaramu,
Kelingan esemmu,
Kepara kabeh rinasa semu,
Amarga atiku dudu duwekmu.

Kangmas,
Ing jroning atiku,
Tansah ana sliramu,
Ora-oraa kewates wektu.

Lan asmamu,
Tansah keprungu ing kupingku.

Nanging uripku,
Dudu duwekmu.


Salatiga, 18 Mei 2009

embun

rapuh,
seperti embun yang mengembang di pagi hari.

lembut,
seperti kabut yang melayang di pekat pagi.

segar,
seperti embun yang menggelinjang di dedaunan sunyi.

misteri,
seperti kabut yang menutup segalanya.

dan cintamu,
kan kujaga...selama kubisa.

kerapuhannya,
kelembutannya,
kesegaran yang dibawanya,
misteri keberadaannya,
....... bagaikan embun bagi pagi-pagi jiwaku.....

untukmu,
selamanya,
takkan pernah kulupa.

in your eyes

in your eyes,
i see a better me,

a reflection of love,
compassion,
passion,
patience,
affection,
strength,
honesty.

in you eyes,
i see a prettier me.

a picture of beauty,
intelligence,
knowledge,
wisdom,
experience.

in your eyes,
i see a stronger me.

a vision of adventure,
challenges,
opportunities,
bravery,
independence.

in your eyes,
i see perfection.

the ups and downs,
the strengths and weaknesses,
the frailty and stubbornness,
the dreams and illusions,
the obsessions and realities,
all the shortcomings that made me what I am.

in my eyes,
I see You.

and the Perfection that is You.

and hope,
that you see it, too.

Salatiga, May 10, 2009

dedicated to the Rowdy one :p

die Kerze

Let it burn,
Let it burn,
Let it burn until the end,
Until all the wax has melted,
And the wick turns withered and black.

Let it burn,
Let it burn,
Let it burn until the end,
Until the drops of hot wax burn your skin,
And makes you wince with pain.

Let it burn,
Let it burn,
Let it burn bright,
Let it burn fast.

Let it burn,
The way I’d burn for a desire to live,
And live life,
Live life to the fullest.

Salatiga, May 10, 2009

footwork

Dance with me.

Let the rhythm enters your soul.

Free you heart.


Dance with me.
Hold my hands and don’t let go.
Touch my back and leave your hands there.


Dance with me.
And let the music carry us away.
To the land of passion and energy.


Dance with me.
Watch me sway for you.
Move with me and lead me away.


Dance with me.

Let your feet roam free.

Watch me smile for you.

Move for you.

And dance with me.


Just dance with me.

the boy with hazel eyes

and the boy with hazel eyes falls asleep,
in the arms of his guardian angel,
soft, warm, protected from the world.

and the boy with hazel eyes opens his big heart,
to a world of wonder, and love and anticipation.

and the boy with hazel eyes no longer fears himself,
for himself is the first he should love,
and cherish,
and respect,
until the end of times.

and the boy with hazel eyes looks at his guardian angel,
and asks her,
'why do i feel pain?'

she answers,
'because of your big heart, my boy...
because you take the pain and make it yours...'

and the boy with hazel eyes cries....
pouring his heart out in her arms.

and she held him, she held him...
she held him....
until moments became eternity...
and the world melted into one.

and as she disappeared like a morning fog giving away to the sun,
he heard her say,
'you have such a great heart, my boy with hazel eyes,
and i feel your pain...
but fear not,
for my arms will always be there...
wherever you are.'

Changi, May 3, 2009

the price of following one's heart

the price of following one's heart,
is sometimes hard to gauge.
could cost one nothing at all,
could cost one a zillion things at once.

the price of following one's heart,
often means taking a winding road,
a puzzle-like map into the the unknown,
and hitting the wall multiple times.

the price of following one's heart,
is very dear.

the price of following one's heart,
is to get lost.
lost in the darkness of one's soul,
asking if there will ever be light at the end of the tunnel,
setting the heart free of misery and never-ending referee.

the price of following one's heart,
is to feel pain,
confusion,
bewilderment,
excitement.

taste the tanginess of sweat and tears,
wipe the occasional blood dripping through the pores,
of one's broken heart.

the price of following one's heart,
is the readiness to heal oneself.

the price of my heart,
is you.

Ann Arbor, April 28, 2009

six six six

six is a lucky number,
for the world was blessed to welcome you.

six is a lucky number,
for the hours shared picturing distant stars and awesome dreams.

six is a lucky number,
for the days of sunlight and moonshine at hand.

Come,
and Walk with me.

Ann Arbor, April 25, 2009

Inspired by Clint Eastwood :p

and i love you more than the others ;p

indeed,
i love you more than the others ;p

not because you are the most beautiful looking,
though beautiful you are, indeed.

not because you are the best dancer ever,
though i think you are really really awesome.

not because you are the gentlest person that ever grace the face of the earth,
though i kind of have a glimpse on how sweet you could be.

not because you are the easiest person to work with,
though i know now better than when i first started.

i love you more than the others ;p
because of the way you bloom like a shy daffodil on the Diag

i love you more than the others ;p
because of the rare jokes and silliness that escaped from time to time from your fiercely guarded efficiency.

i love you more than the others ;p
because of the way your smile lights up your face at those moments when you let your guards down.

i love you more than the others ;p
because you eventually let your guards down at all.

i love you more than the others ;p
because i feel deep inside of someone calling out,
someone who are as carefree as a bird,
as cheerful as a Summer sunshine,
as fleet-footed as a deer in Fall,
as gorgeous as a rainbow on an early Spring day,
as amazing as my first snow of the legendary Michigan Winter.

i love you more than the others ;p
because you continue to amaze me,
but not surprise me.

i love you more than the others ;p
because i know,
there is so much more to come.

and i am sad,
because i won't be there to uncover the jewels,
of your personality puzzle.

but still,
you are right....
i love you more than the others ;p

but you are wrong,
because it is not something that you need to live up to,
because i love you,
for what it's worth,
for who you are.

and i love the way,
you bloom...
slowly....

may your Spring be magical,
as magical as the flower,
which is You.

Ann Arbor, April 19, 2009

Inspired by and dedicated to a very special friend whose words are quoted in this poem ;p

senandungku untukmu

sesaat terdiam,
terpaku,
terlena.

menatap hari demi hari yang akan terlewatkan,
tanpamu,
dan hatiku terperanjat.

selirih senja merambat perlahan,
rindu gelap menapaki jalan setapak mimpi,
ah...rasanya tak ingin berpisah.

selintas mata berpadu,
dan ingin kukatakan,
betapa aku ingin menyapamu.

dengan setiap tatapan mata,
dengan setiap kata permana,
dengan setiap langkah tertata.

ingin kuterawang mimpi ini,
dan kupersembahkan kepadamu,
dalam karangan bunga musim semi.

dan ketika matahari menyinari,
kuinginkan hangatnya menyapamu,
dan berkata,
apa kabar, cantik?

dalam mimpiku kusenandungkan sebuah lagu,
berselimutkan doa dan harapan,
akan kebahagiaan yang akan menjemputmu.

karena kau.... indah adanya.

senandungku untukmu,
senandung sunyi dalam kalbu,
yang takkan pernah kauterawang apa maknanya.

and for you,
a silent song i sing,
may it be a lullaby,
that sends you the best dreams,
sends you off into spring.

Ann Arbor, April 19, 2009

Hey Beautiful!

Hey Beautiful,
nice to see you today,
did i tell you how sweet it was to dance in your arms last night?
no, maybe not.

Hey Beautiful,
look at the spring outside,
the sun so bright and everybody is so happy,
where are you?

Hey Beautiful,
i wonder why i can't get you out of my head,
thinking of of how long it took me to see,
the beauty of your soul.

Hey Beautiful,
how are you today?
hope you managed to come fresh to work,
after regretting the fact that you stayed up much too late last night.

Hey Beautiful,
did i tell you i liked the way you look,
with your new haircut and the contact lenses?
you did, by the way, look really cute.

Hey Beautiful,
stop taking life so seriously by its neck,
you look much cuter when you are smiling,
and when you are making jokes....oh so divine...

Hey Beautiful,
this is not a love poem,
though i wish it could have been,
because you certainly deserve one.

Hey Beautiful,
you are special in every way,
and though it takes some time and getting used to,
your charm is beyond belief.

Don't ever ask, whether this is special for you,
Just take it, believe in it...
Just inhale the sweetness and let it be...
For special people deserve special appreciation,
And you are certainly one of a kind.

For sometimes life needs no reasoning,
oh well....look who's talking...
But appreciate yourself and let yourself shine,
For forever will I remember,
how beautiful you are,
to me.

Ann Arbor, April 17, 2009
Dedicated to M.J.

splashes of colors

i wonder how it feels,
to see the world in black and white,
where what we want and what we don't want,
are easily defined,
and lines are easily drawn.

i wonder how it feels,
to be able to put life in two opposite columns,
and starting to check the items off,
one by one.

i wonder how it feels,
to be you.

for my life has always been grey,
grey not because it's a pathetic one,
no,
not that kind of grey.

i love blurring things up,
and pretend that life is purely up to me,
that things are never black or white,
that people are never black or white.

things are simply grey.

there are things that are simply greyish,
or light grey,
or mildly grey,
or dark grey,
or dark vivid grey.

but i love the illusion of power,
of being able to decide,
whether i would like to see them more towards white,
or black,
or leave them as they are,
simply grey.

a mix of things.

i love my pallet of colours,
with which i can splash some red,
or yellow,
or my favourite blue,
or purple,
or green.

and all those colours will not be shadowed by the blackness,
nor the whiteness,
of my canvas.

i wonder how it feels,
for me to hand you my pallet,
and urge you to soak your fingers and toes,
in paints.

and dance....
just dance....
and spray the colours all around you...
make yourself dirty...
and all messed up....

just for the sake,
of not being so black and white,
anymore.

Ann Arbor, 01.23.2009

Inspired by R.

a monument

I put you on a pedestal,
a reminder of days bygone,
a reminder of what might have been,
a reminder of what might not.

I put you on a pedestal,
and from time to time,
I look up and wonder,
wondering whether one of these days,
I can take you down.

I put you on a pedestal,
so I can still hear your voice,
from up there above me,
ringing loud and clear,
piercing my soul,
reminding me of all the things I should be thankful for.

And thankful I am,
for I only have you in my memory,
for your venomous words can no longer shoot through my heart,
for the fact,
that you are no longer in my life.

I put you on a pedestal,
to remind me of my own glory,
to remind me of how grateful I am,
for a life,
without you.

Ann Arbor, 01.14.2009

For: YDI, I found myself still thinking of you, one of the few things I've always been considering to put down as a 'regret'... but no, I live a life of 'no regret'. not even you, could change that.