keraguan

ingin kubisikkan keraguan di telingamu

namun lidahku kelu membisu

 ingin kubisikkan keraguan di telingamu
namun kupikir itu hanya cemburu

ingin kubisikkan keraguan di telingamu
 namun kurasa inilah jalanmu

 ingin kubisikkan keraguan di telingamu
 namun kucoba yakinkan diriku

 ingin kubisikkan di telingamu
maafkan aku

wiedersehen

the random smile
the name calling
the daily greeting

i am going to miss you

i just have to get it out
of my chest

i am going to miss you

hoping that you stay the way you are
and that your lovely smile
brings daylight
into many more people's lives

because you're special

lepaskanlah

ingin kukatakan padamu
lepaskanlah
biarkan hidup memberimu pelajaran itu
biarkan ia menunjukkan jalanmu

ingin kukatakan padamu
lepaskanlah
biarkan angin membawa sakit itu
biarkan ia menunjukkan jalanmu

ingin kukatakan padaku
lepaskanlah
tak perlu kupikirkan dirimu
yang berkutat dengan segala kegelapanmu

ingin kukatakan padaku
lepaskanlah
karena hidup dalam terang adalah pilihanku
yang tak bisa kupaksakan padamu

lepaskanlah

Frankfurt, 6 Januari 2012.

Northwind

i dreamed of flying
i dreamed of floating
i dreamed of chatting with Jack -
of Jack and the Beanstalk -
i dreamed of supporting him on the way up

i dreamed of being
of being the Northwind

whatever that might be

i dreamed of flying

Frankfurt, Jan.4., 2012.

i am

yo estoy
aku
kula
ana
ich bin
kee
tiyang

in peace

te quiero

and i love you still

just the way you are

hoping that you'll someday
see
the beauty
i saw
in you

and i love you still

and wish you well

for now
and always

i love you still

no hard feeling

she took one look at me
then shifted her gaze
and started ringing in my purchase

i was not worth a 'hello'
she spared for everyone else

i paid her the 20 Euro
she didn't say thank you
not to mention
the "have a nice day' routine

she spared that for the others
even that one who paid 2 Euro 45 Cents
behind me
as if my 20 Euro is worth a lot less
just because she thought
i'm just another
stupid, dirty, cheap, poor
immigrant

welcome to ALDI Sued
by the side street of Leipziger Strasse
Frankfurt am Main
Germany
where at night
the pavement smells like pee
literally

Welcome to the new daily reality.

sadness

TV
radio
internet
news

brought so much
fear
terror
fires
rockets
water
quakes

sadness

the sadness of
an elderly Japanese man
standing in the middle of rubbles
millions of emotions knotted inside his gut
as he bowed his head
tears in his eyes
sobs escaped his lips
as the fear for the worst overcame him
as his world shook
and shook
and shook
and shook
for the zillionth times

utter sadness
to see
the smiling, stoic faces I still somehow have in my head
bowed down
with fear
worries
traumas
being unsure of the future
to see the tears

sadness

and of all the things I've seen
I simply couldn't shake
the image
of
the old man
sobbing

sadness

here is the candle

here is the candle
you go light the fire

here is the candle
take out the match and strike the spark

here is the candle
for dawn is not yet there
and your path is yet in the dark

here is the candle
find your spark

for you
and you alone

can light
your own candle
and find
your own way

perspectives

tell me again

what
did
you
say

did i hear you correctly

did
you
just
say
what
i
thought
you
said

did you seriously just ask me
not to love her less
when the request should have been
for me
not to hate you

in what twisted version of reality
did you think we coexist

you
and all
your self righteousness

me
and all the realization
that i owed you nothing

through all my life
all that mattered
had been
paying my debts to you

but i owed you nothing
nothing
at
all

sana'a - darmstadt, march 2011

unanswered

the answer
provoked
more
questions

maybe the first
shouldn't have been
asked
at
all

there comes a time
when wondering
whether a life
of guessing the answers
is indeed
better
than a life
of questioning

or whether

one is as bad
as
the other

then
your life
becomes
the biggest
question
of all
time

sana'a - darmstadt, march 2011

the longest kiss

that first kiss
still lingers with me

that magic number
between three and seven and a half
that defines
you
and me

from countless hours
to days
to weeks
to months
and probably for years to come

those stolen kisses
will always be there
your first
and mine

and though you said
'thank goodness i'll only know you for a short time
or i'd be in love with you'
we both found out
that falling in love
took no time at all

but the kiss
the first magical one
took forever

Salatiga, February 26, 2011.

rasa hangat di dada

namamu
menyelinap halus dari sepasang bibirku
seperti kenangan tentangmu
yang hadir begitu saja

senyummu
takkan pernah lekang dimakan waktu
walau bertahun sudah tak pernah kulihat itu
hadir di depan mataku

bagiku
begitu banyak kenangan tersisa
pertanyaan
perandaian
sejumput penyesalan
yang tak jua melapuk memudar
tentangmu

tapi untukmu
masih selalu ada rasa hangat itu
ketika aku sekedar mengingatmu
atau dengan takzim menyebut namamu

teman kecilku

Salatiga, 26 Februari 2011.

Memory is a strange animal...

Memory is a strange animal
it wraps itself around you
protects you from harsh reality
keeps you somewhere safe
and warm

Memory is a strange animal
it brings back pain
keeps hatred alive and kicking
and let you hold grudge

Memory is a strange animal
running wild inside you head
turning in circles inside your heart
and left you completely lost

Memory is a strange animal
it burns you inside
engulfs you in crazy fires
longing
anger

it freezes you down
with desperation
loneliness
alienation

Memory is a strange animal
it gives you yesterday
it might give you tomorrow....
but in truth
it takes away your today

Salatiga, February 2011

the men with beautiful eye lashes

my
men
had
beautiful
eye
lashes

long and perfect
over a pair of
browns
blacks
greens
greys
blues
hazelnuts

my
men
had
beautiful
eye
lashes

and i wonder why
that's the one thing
that amazed me
the most.

glimpses of life

little squares of light
yellow warm light

books stacked to the ceiling
single orchid on a windowsill
empty loveseat with a cozy throw on top of it
table with napkins strewn all over
people sitting around dinner

little squares of light
yellow warm light

passed by quickly
as the train swished by
in the middle of a barren winter land
cutting through the white track

little squares of light
yellow warm light

glimpses of life
suspended in one moment in time
within the warmth of the familiar

little squares of light
yellow warm light

i wonder what would have been visible
if someone had looked into the window
of my old apartment
as they passed by
in the dead of a winter night

Friedrichsdorf - Frankfurt a.M. - Darmstadt train, January 2010

the ultimate gift

it's been years that i live
with the beauty of your handwriting

the small notes you sent me
cards that came with tiny gifts
letters of days long forgotten

those days before text messages
e-mails and facebook
we wrote long letter to each other
and i treasure every moment i read
those tidy lines
of your handwriting

and once in a while
there were these Easter, and Christmas,
and New Year and Birthday cards..
and Valentine's, graduation,and get-well-soon
and the tiny desk clock,
and the pocket agenda...
all adorned with your handwriting

and this year,
the precious frame with our picture,
and your handwriting.

the ultimate gift,
has been your friendship,
and your beautiful handwriting,
years after years.

and for that,
thank you.

there's enough love in the world... don't be afraid...

there's enough love in the world,
for you, my dear,
don't worry.

there's enough caresses in store for you,
gentle words,
reassuring hugs.

there's enough pain to last a lifetime,
but there's not enough time to spend your life,
wallowing in self pity.

there's enough love in the world for you, my dear,
if only you could open your eyes...

or maybe, if only you could close your eyes,
and open your heart instead.

listening to all those unspoken words,
taking them for granted,
and just believe that people are being sincere.

there's enough love in the world,
don't be afraid to fail,
because there's enough love in the world,
to help you heal.

and if somebody says,
Te quiero,
just take it for granted that it's true.

though it seems impossible.

of all the imperfections that i am,
one thing you know is true,
i don't lie to you.

karangan bunga

di dalam hatiku,
akan selalu ada kamu.

serpihan kelopak bunga,
terkapar lelah di pelataran jiwa,
nan tak kunjung menggulung kuning.

semoga keindahan menjadi pengingat,
bahwa kasih tak akan mudah mati.

di luar sana, kawan,
akan selalu ada orang yang menyayangimu,
meskipun bila kau tak menyadarinya.

what if

what if
i realized that i had been in love with you
the way you were in love with me

what if
i realized that my first love had been sitting there
right next to me
first grade of junior high

what if
i knew that those pink envelopes
i passed along to the prettiest girl in class
would hold promises made
to me

what if
i had been spared
all those years of loneliness
and feelings of unwantedness
because i had a boyfriend
in you

what if
i had never left this city
because you were in it
and it was good enough
already

what if
i could not be
the person
i am today

and i thank the Lord
for those days
when i didn't realize
that i
might have loved you
as much
as you had loved me
and held me dearly
in your mind