Unfaithful

engmy heartbeat skipped a beat,
when his skin touched mine,
his smile created millions of beautiful pictures,
his scent pictures zillions of grant images.

and for a moment,
i miss him more than you.

when the nearness became unbearable,
and the distance became so profound,
the heat is burning me alive.

and for a moment,
wild imagination fleeted by.

of me in his arms,
instead of yours,
of my eyes caressing his,
instead of yours.

and yet,
the world goes round,
and i am still yours,
instead of mine.

a piece of art and imagination dedicated to all long distance relationships
Ann Arbor, November 3, 2008

to my imaginary friend...

Today, you are a mere figment of my imagination...

Your kind words...

Your warm touch...

Your laughter echoing down the hallways of my memory.

Today, you are a dark shadow at the doorsill of my private chamber...

Your smile shimmered in the darkness...

I could see it in the way your ears shooting upward with each gesture.

I cannot see, though,

The sharp gaze of you cool grey eyes,

Locking into mine and challenging me.

I cannot feel, though,

The strength of your arms,

Hugging me and telling me not to worry.

I cannot tell you, though,

How much I miss your presence,

Lending me strength to go on,

Lending me ears to listen to my adventures.

But I still feel you here...

Through the wheels you put under my soles,

Through the wings you grew on my back,

Through the belief you planted in my heart...

That I can soar high...

Higher than I expected,

That I can move forward....

Farther than I have ever imagined.

I simply wish,

That wind would carry this feeling of missing you,

And would somehow shower you with blessings and happiness...

Wherever you are...

My imaginary friend.

i want to be blue...

i want to be blue,
not the color of sadness...
but the color of serenity.

i want to be blue,
not like five-day-old bruises,
but like the petals of little wild flowers on my lawn.

i want to be blue,
not like frozen hearts,
but like the warm sky full of sunlight.

i want to be blue,
not the color of sadness,
but the color of peace,
...calm,
...serenity,
...compassion,
truth...

the color of vast blue ocean which takes everything in,
even if it makes it dying...
the color of warm blue sky which gives you a space to look up and let you be carried away,
the color of Earth seen from millions of light years away...

i want to blue,
and i am inviting you....

i want to be blue,
'cos blue sky was what i wanted,
as i was waking up to a drizzle outside my window.

i want to be blue,
the color of peace.

and peace be with you...

forced to wake up...

i have a dream...
a dream of a place full of love,
compassion and understanding.

a place where people can be different,
and be protected for it.

a place where i don't have to feel helpless,
every time my heart bleeds silently,
for all the violence and despair.

i dream of love and peace reigning in this world.

but then i was jolted up,
awake,
wild-wide eyed..

no...no...
not another one...
no...please let this be a dream...

but no.
it is not.
not a dream.
not a good dream, at least.

Indonesia, June 2, 2008

it's a funny feeling..

it's a funny feeling,
to extract experience into fiction.

to pretend, as if you and me were mere fictional characters,
in the story feeding in the net through my keyboard.

it's a funny feeling,
to have the illusion,
of having my heart tied in several places,
choking blood and oxygen out of it,
the way i felt..
when i was with you...
simply by writing about it.

and gosh,
it was so so so long time ago.

i guess the shroud of negativity never really left me.

and boy,
how am i glad to have left...

i am not saying i have never looked back, but not in regret...
no, not at all...
not in regret.

sometimes i wondered,
what i could have done differently...
would it make much sense at all...
would it have been better if i had never met you at all
and spare both of us from the works and the damage...

but then again,
it was sweet while the icing lasted,
considering i have never liked icings anyway...

and then...
life was too good to be missed out.