the moment of truth

the moment of truth

is the moment when you found the answers deep in your heart...

or at least,

the moment when you THOUGHT you have found the answers deep in your heart.

the moment of truth,

on whether a step in life became a point of regret,

or simply,

as you care to acknowledge it,

an experience.

and my moment of truth,

is yet to come.

and as much as i want to believe

that everything happens for a reason

and that there should be no regret

for the choices and steps taken
...

and yet,

after friendship seemed to fail us...

after all is said and done...

maybe it WAS a mistake,

wasn't it?

maybe you have been right all along,

when you regretted that we had met...

oh geez...

still i try to have no regret,

and take you as a part of my learning.

knowing you,

and others...

and definitely,

knowing ME,

much...much...much...better.

senandung siang...

mengeluh? tentu saja tidak...
capek...ah ya,tentu saja...

mata pedas memandangi monitor yang tak berkedip mencoba membanjiri otakku dengan informasi
dan pekerjaan....dan pekerjaan.....

dan nyeri nyaris tak tertahan...
tapi, tak apa...
tentu saja.

sambil berharap,
pekerjaan ini benar-benar berguna...

Banda Aceh, 22-23 Maret 2007

stuck in the mud

stuck in the mud
and couldn't get away

stuck in the mud
and each step grew heavier and heavier and heavier

stuck in the mud
and the stubborn mud clinging to the soles of the shoes

stuck in the mud
there we were under the glarring sun

and yet the unavoidable question lingered:
"would you bear it with me?"

simple, stupid moments like getting stuck in the mud
with choices as many as leaving you under the sun...
getting the first ride home...
or staying there knowing that i'm almost quite useless....

but then again..
shouldn't i learn to trust you more?
knowing that things would be okay, eventually...

and that if i don't trust you enough to know that you could deal with us being stuck in the mud
and walk away...
how could i ever trust you with my life...
and me with yours?

at the end of the day,
"thank you for sticking with me, though you could have walked away..."

you know,
"it's not that it didn't cross my mind...but if just because of being stuck in mud made me walk away, then WE should not deserve another chance..."

and that as simple as being stuck in the mud,
could be the gravest sign to say,
and might be the simplest, worst, or best, choice a partner could take.


Banda Aceh, 11 - 13 March 2007.

sunshine....sunshine...

sunshine...sunshine...

pours down showering everything.
and everything goes hot...and hot...and hot...

sitting in a working room in a tropical country called Indonesia...

with a big standing fan turning and turning and turning behind my back..

and yet...it's SO hot..

beautiful sky, though...

beautiful day...

and since it's a beautiful life...

no reason to complain...

but still....
phew, it's hot.

rainy morning..

Cloudy morning, and yet still a ray of hope that it does not rain…

And yet it rains…and leaves the earth damp..

Damp and moist and tracks of mud clinging on your shoes…

And yet…damp with life.

As water pours down from the sky in countless drops of tiny tears.,

Is the world crying?

Is the sky grieving for the loss and pain we experience?

Or is the universe shedding tears out of sympathy for us?

Did the tears of the universe fall out of sadness, or maybe out of joy?

The joy of sharing its beauty with foolish, unfortunate creatures called humankind?

The sinister smile cause we never seem to learn enough?

Or simply pure joy for giving us the life beautiful life that maybe few of us deserve?

And yet…the rain seems so beautiful on its own,

Since life it brings.. pours down on painful, happy, cheerful, sad, deserted, full with life hearts of men and women…

And yes, today seems like a beautiful, glorious day…

Seems like the rain brings good luck

HOPEFULLY...

fear for your life...

fear for your life...
if you really want to live...
fear for your life...
if you love this dear precious life...

but which fear is more imminent than the fear of the lives of your loved ones?
out of helplessness
despair...and fear...

fear not for your life...
but, can we?