leaping into the land of the unknown...

life has its twists and turns
and time and time again
no matter how many times i turn back and reflect
i am still always amazed...

how on earth did i get here?
how on earth my world turns out to be the way it is..
how on earth did i end up with all these things on my plate...

sometimes it is exhilaratingly too good to be true
sometimes it feels as if life has been rushing on top of me
sometimes it feels that life cannot be much more complicated...

with all the twists and turns,
i am still gratefully amazed,
that somehow,
i am here,
now.

that year by year,
with all the confusion, fear and depression,
comes always new beginnings,
new opportunities,
new challenges.

new reasons to be happy,
new reasons to be scared.

but time and time again,
leave me wondering,
how on earth do i deserve to experience all this?

and so,
as a thanksgiving to such a wonderful life,
let's live life to the fullest,
and making the best of what we've got.

b'coz, o boy....how lucky we are....

Happy New Year 2008

being beautiful is...

being beautiful is....

ah, difficult to describe...

one layer,

two layers,

three layers of face powder,

smoothening your face ....

expensive face powder,

famous branded treatment products.

being beautiful is....

difficult to feel...

when do you feel beautiful,

in the middle of life's restlessness,

life on the fast track...

are you feeling beautiful,

when you feel that you are racing against time?

close your eyes,

and see the ray shining from your heart,

the ray shining through from your sense of security.

the feeling of possessing all the beauty within yourself.

the feeling of being beautiful,

does not depend on how high you heels are,

how tight you pretty shirt is,

how expensive the lipstick adorning your smile is.

the feeling of being beautiful is,

within your heart,

the heart that believes,

that you are truly beautiful.

simply being you.

espresso

steaming hot espresso

seeping into my senses

warm fragrant of a near past

not distant

not far

and yet,

past already

the clinging of metal against tiny china cups

bringing together moments of laughter

and thoughts

and contemplation

and reminiscence

over cups of espresso

hot, steaming espresso

buka mata

buka mata,

dan tetap kau tak ada di sana...

buka mata,

dan tangan yang terulur hanya impian semata.

sesaat mengenangmu,

di atas segala perjalanan yang telah terurai...

dan berharap,

semoga semua yang terlalui

bukanlah mimpi buruk untukmu

buka mata,

dan berharap masih ada sisa-sisa rasa manis dalam kecutnya kenyataan.

buka mata,

dan berharap sejarah tak hilang.

tapi rupanya,

mungkin waktuku,

untuk buka mata.

bahwa bagimu....Mas,

aku benar-benar tinggal sejarah.

dan saatnya aku bangun dari mimpi...

dan buka mata.

kau,

takkan pernah jadi temanku lagi.

ah, buka mataku...

buka mata...

buka mata...

in love

as I was sitting all by myself,

and think,

and reflect,

and looking at who is there,

and who is not there.

then come a slow, and yet sudden,

realization....

that somehow...I'm in love.

I'm in love with life,

and what it has to offer.

I'm in love with the challenge,

difficulties, emotions,

fatigue...

and also its happiness,

and joy, and hopes...

and I'm in love with you.

with a sudden, calm, cool awareness

seeping into my brain.

I sat there and confessed.

oh yes, I think I'm in love with you,

still.

a funny feeling it is

to sit there all by myself

and feel the feeling of being in love,
calm,
and smooth.

such a strange realization,

that such a calm feeling can be associated with love.
red, hot, burning passionate love.

or maybe, this love is not that kind of love.

well, who cares...

and there I was, sitting there.

and not feeling the fire burning from within,

engufling me in such a longing,

and jealousy,

and disturbing fires of passion.

and feel safe, and secure...

and warm and confident...

that no matter what happens in the future,

that day,

I was calm and peaceful within myself,

knowing that....

hm....I love you...

the cool, strange, kind, funny, stupid, cute, silly, sporty, fussy, Bunny Guy....

this is for you.

waiting...and waiting...

waiting...and being impatient

to meet loved ones...

and to be freed from boredom and routine

oh...waiting...and waiting

for the day that the heart can leap in joy

waiting and waiting...

and waiting...

trashy soap operas

soap soap operas....

indulging people in endless imagination

i have to congratulate the scriptwriters

oh, how i envy them all

being able to earn money to stuff tired brains with endless pictures flickering on the TV

brains like mine...

and yet...

does suffering really comes in such an abundance

falling on top of each other like thundering lightbolts

over the lives of such wrecked people

or simply,

good people are meant to suffer

and that there is no such thing as happiness on earth?

that peace and being good

and being rich

and being loved

and lucky

simply do not come along being

noble, honest people

or simply by being real people?

does life really look that bleak?

oh, my...

well, at least i hope life is not as bad

and GOD, wherever He or She is, is not as cruel as scriptwriters

playing on the lives of us,

the puppets on Earth.

let us love,

and live...

and be happy.

since our life,

is not [yet]

another trashy soap opera.

rain drops

each falling raindrop

calling out your name
ringing out the song of an adventurer's heart

travelling far and wide

looking for clues on where to stop

and yet

the answer is yet to come

questions asked

and were left unanswered

on whether life will treat us kind

and hold endless pretty promises

or whether time

will tear us apart

and heal the wounds, anyway...

and yet,

this moment i know

that life is there to appreciate

to treasure

to explore

and that no matter what

i'll be thankful

that my life is so blessed

by you

wherever you are

the moment of truth

the moment of truth

is the moment when you found the answers deep in your heart...

or at least,

the moment when you THOUGHT you have found the answers deep in your heart.

the moment of truth,

on whether a step in life became a point of regret,

or simply,

as you care to acknowledge it,

an experience.

and my moment of truth,

is yet to come.

and as much as i want to believe

that everything happens for a reason

and that there should be no regret

for the choices and steps taken
...

and yet,

after friendship seemed to fail us...

after all is said and done...

maybe it WAS a mistake,

wasn't it?

maybe you have been right all along,

when you regretted that we had met...

oh geez...

still i try to have no regret,

and take you as a part of my learning.

knowing you,

and others...

and definitely,

knowing ME,

much...much...much...better.

senandung siang...

mengeluh? tentu saja tidak...
capek...ah ya,tentu saja...

mata pedas memandangi monitor yang tak berkedip mencoba membanjiri otakku dengan informasi
dan pekerjaan....dan pekerjaan.....

dan nyeri nyaris tak tertahan...
tapi, tak apa...
tentu saja.

sambil berharap,
pekerjaan ini benar-benar berguna...

Banda Aceh, 22-23 Maret 2007

stuck in the mud

stuck in the mud
and couldn't get away

stuck in the mud
and each step grew heavier and heavier and heavier

stuck in the mud
and the stubborn mud clinging to the soles of the shoes

stuck in the mud
there we were under the glarring sun

and yet the unavoidable question lingered:
"would you bear it with me?"

simple, stupid moments like getting stuck in the mud
with choices as many as leaving you under the sun...
getting the first ride home...
or staying there knowing that i'm almost quite useless....

but then again..
shouldn't i learn to trust you more?
knowing that things would be okay, eventually...

and that if i don't trust you enough to know that you could deal with us being stuck in the mud
and walk away...
how could i ever trust you with my life...
and me with yours?

at the end of the day,
"thank you for sticking with me, though you could have walked away..."

you know,
"it's not that it didn't cross my mind...but if just because of being stuck in mud made me walk away, then WE should not deserve another chance..."

and that as simple as being stuck in the mud,
could be the gravest sign to say,
and might be the simplest, worst, or best, choice a partner could take.


Banda Aceh, 11 - 13 March 2007.

sunshine....sunshine...

sunshine...sunshine...

pours down showering everything.
and everything goes hot...and hot...and hot...

sitting in a working room in a tropical country called Indonesia...

with a big standing fan turning and turning and turning behind my back..

and yet...it's SO hot..

beautiful sky, though...

beautiful day...

and since it's a beautiful life...

no reason to complain...

but still....
phew, it's hot.

rainy morning..

Cloudy morning, and yet still a ray of hope that it does not rain…

And yet it rains…and leaves the earth damp..

Damp and moist and tracks of mud clinging on your shoes…

And yet…damp with life.

As water pours down from the sky in countless drops of tiny tears.,

Is the world crying?

Is the sky grieving for the loss and pain we experience?

Or is the universe shedding tears out of sympathy for us?

Did the tears of the universe fall out of sadness, or maybe out of joy?

The joy of sharing its beauty with foolish, unfortunate creatures called humankind?

The sinister smile cause we never seem to learn enough?

Or simply pure joy for giving us the life beautiful life that maybe few of us deserve?

And yet…the rain seems so beautiful on its own,

Since life it brings.. pours down on painful, happy, cheerful, sad, deserted, full with life hearts of men and women…

And yes, today seems like a beautiful, glorious day…

Seems like the rain brings good luck

HOPEFULLY...

fear for your life...

fear for your life...
if you really want to live...
fear for your life...
if you love this dear precious life...

but which fear is more imminent than the fear of the lives of your loved ones?
out of helplessness
despair...and fear...

fear not for your life...
but, can we?